Friday, July 26, 2013

Asperger Syndrome and Arguments

For our very first question, I am going to answer one that I get a lot! "How do I get my child with Asperger Syndrome to quit arguing with me?"

This was a struggle for me when my daughter was younger, especially when it came to doing chores.  I came across a book called Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments: Practical Solutions for Tantrums, Rage and Meltdowns by Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick.  They talk about the "lasting" word which was one of the keys that helped me with my daughter.

The first step is to remember that you are the adult and that you do not need to win the argument.  It takes two to argue!  Your child cannot argue with you if you do not respond back.  To help illustrate this, watch the argument clinic.  The second step is to give a choice that then becomes the lasting word. 

So, if your child is arguing over an assigned task then it helps to give choices.  Be sure that both choices are something that you are willing to follow through with.  For example, you might say, "You have two choices.  You can take out the trash or if you don't you can lose TV privileges until you do."  You may need to repeat this statement once more but after that let your child make the choice.  Walk away if needed to avoid the argument but be sure to follow through with the consequence. Your child may follow you around for a while screaming at you and trying to get you to argue back, but ignore your child and then once in a while restate your choices.  Be a broken record!

 I was asked to help with a sixth grader who was refusing to do his morning work.  He kept trying to engage the teacher in an argument, insisting that he had no need to do that work.  When I came in to help him, I gave him two choices, "You can do your work now, or you can do your work with me during recess."  He started to argue but I just told him those were his choices and left the room.  I came back right before recess started and he still had not done his work.  I explained to him that, "You chose not to do your work before recess, so you chose to do your work during recess."  I then gave him two new choices, "You can choose not to do your work and miss all of your recess, or you can choose to finish your work and then go to recess."   I showed him how much time he had and then worked on something else to allow him time to decide.  After about 5 minutes he handed me his morning work and was able to go outside to recess.  After that he almost always did his morning work.

I hope this helps.  If you want a more complete write-up about avoiding arguments, you can go to www.autisminspiration.com and get the article which has been posted for free.  To purchase the book click on the following link.